In recent days I am faced with this dilemma which to become between a people pleaser and selfish. I used to spent most of my time alone so back then I did not have to worry about this. I could be anyone and I could say anything. But now I have to live with people. When you are among people, you need to be in a certain way. So it has become a crucial thinking point for me.

Over the years I have developed my own mindset, opinions and thought process. Should I just let all of that go, to become a people pleaser or keep all of them and become a selfish person.

Definition

People pleaser is a type of person who has to make others happy at any cost. Even if that means they have to sacrifice their own happiness, they will do it.

On the other hand, a person called selfish whey they only think about their own happiness. Sometimes even at others expense.

There are some other ways we can distinguish between a People Pleasing and Selfish person.

People Pleaser vs Selfish Person

Saying Yes

People pleasers always says yes to anything. Even if they don’t like it, because they don’t want you to feel bad.

While a selfish person will only say yes to things serve them. They don’t care about your feelings, so refusing or belittling you is not bad in their books.

Mental Condition

People pleasing is a psychological condition that occurs from fear of abandonment. Most people develop it in their childhood who had did not have a stable family.

While selfishness is a narcissistic personality disorder that we get from the people around us. Some studies even say that this trait comes from genetics.

Danger Level

Both of these types are dangerous. But with people pleaser you will never be sure of their true motives. Because they are always so nice to you and saying yes. You will never know if you have offended them in any way or they felt disrespected or not.

With selfish people at least you are sure of their motives. In a rough situation they will only think of themselves, so in any situation you can plan according to that mindset. They will speak up or even shout if they feel insulted.

Suffering

A people pleasing person suffers more because of their inner turmoil of not choosing themselves over others.

But a selfish person will suffer because of the people around them. Everybody will show irritation to their every action. Which sometimes is really annoying even for them.

Motive and Result

One of the hardest thing is, a people pleaser want people that is why they do what they do still everyone usually leave them. Because no one likes a push over or a clingy person.

At the same time a selfish person will only think of themselves yet be surrounded by people. Because somehow people are attracted to them in the short run. But in the long run both of this types has to face challenges.

As you have probably figured out from the definition and differences these two type are polar opposites. But I am not talking about completely becoming one of these two.

While I won’t sacrifice my own comfort for others, I also won’t force others to sacrifice their comfort for me.

Example

You do 10 good things and 1 bad thing. People will remember that 1 bad thing and forget about the 10 good things. This is the basic nature of humans, including me. So the question occurs,

Why bother to try? In the end they will judge you, and it is impossible to be a perfectionist all the time. And the harsh truth is you cannot satisfy everyone’s needs.

So initially I wanted to become a selfish person, only think about myself and my well being. Then through some events I learned that I need people’s help time to time. And if I don’t help them or at least be good to them they won’t help me which is natural and I will be in trouble.

And being a people pleaser and thinking about others wellbeing will keep a constant pressure on me which is unnecessary.

Choosing

If I have to choose between a people pleaser and selfish I would say I will take half and half of both but that will be a very diplomatic answer.

One saying that comes to mind is,

In a flight, it is always said by the flight attendants that before helping others with their oxygen masks first put yours on. This can be applied here as well as in many other places.

Always put yourself first, your need, your wants etc. If a particular matter affect you negatively don’t do it. If helping a person put you in a compromising position don’t do it. Before giving someone your word weight the pros and cons.

Let’s be practical if you are in trouble or don’t have peace of mind, you won’t be able to be there for your loved ones. So forget about helping others.

If you can help others without hurting you then do it, after all what’s the foul in doing that? Be there for people if you feel like it. And most importantly remember it is a give and take policy. Help those who will help you back in need!

Conclusion

I would like to conclude by saying we mostly try to go out of our way to help ours because we don’t want others to think negatively about us. We don’t want others to criticize us, whenever they discuss about us we want them to say only positive things. But this will never happen.

The best thing we all can do is be true to ourselves at least in this way we will be able to sleep soundly at night without any burden on our chest. And when others notice we don’t care about their opinions, we are not giving them any attention. They starts to respect us, give us what we truly deserve.

Thank you for staying until the end!