Do you ever feel lost in the middle of huge buildings and giant crowds?

I do!

Almost a year from today I moved to a big city for studies and work-related reasons.

I always thought living in a big city has many advantages such as many opportunities, better transportation and communication, a lot of places to visit etc.

With all these in my mind, I left my small town which has none of these that I mentioned.

But after arriving and spending a couple of months, I started to lose myself. And I am not saying this in a poetic way, I was literally losing myself.

Feeling like I don’t know these people.

Asking myself why these people are behaving this way.

They are always moving, what is their purpose?

I am in the middle, does that mean I have to move too?

They are so hectic, they always have to work. But I bet they never ask the question why?

I have always struggled with building genuine connections.

In school, everyone knew me. For the sake of saying, everyone was my friend. But in truth, I only had two or three classmates whom I could call friends.

In college, after realizing my nature I stopped socializing with everyone and focused on building genuine connections. Fortunately, I was able to build a couple of them.

But in this big city, everyone is busy. Busy with something that I can’t relate with. Their conversations and their thoughts are so artificial. None of them are looking for something long-term. In their free time, all they want is a good time.

Everywhere I look, I see a concrete jungle. I can’t feel the fresh air without the smell of car oil, and sewer stench in this city. Even in the middle of trees you don’t feel their support rather the smell of pesticide forces you to leave that place as soon as possible.

I don’t hate where I am right now, neither do I wanna leave. I feel like right now I just need to find my own place in this city. At least until the day I achieve all my goals and dreams.

Sometimes I think I am so conflicted probably because I think everything in a diplomatic manner. Always trying to balance everything. Neither a pessimist, or an optimist, I always have to be the realist.

I started to feel all these things more since I came back from visiting my home town recently. That small place did not have any of the things that this big city could offer me. Yet it is calm and serene. There you can breathe fully and literally can stay in the moment.

It does not force you to think about the future constantly, nor does it criticize you for your past failures. It doesn’t push you to go further. It gives you time to reflect.

Sometimes I think if my hometown had all these things then it would have lost its charm. Maybe it’s selfish but I don’t want my hometown to change. I want it to stay small and away from all this chaos.

Thank you for staying until the end!